A P.J. (Pregnancy Journal): 18 weeks
After my long hiatus with technology (ipad, television and everything in the internet included), I am bouncing back for a quick (let’s all hope its quick) explanation to my sudden absence on facebook and my food blog; this post is for some of my readers and people who have been asking and wondering why I am suddenly “gone” in the virtual world.
During the last 2 food posts in my blog, I reiterated how lethargic I was feeling. It started during the last week of April and escalated come May. It was extreme exhaustion, that I constantly had to catch my breath. Allow me to explain it without sounding too scientific, personal, and gory at the same time.
April 2012; LIGHT SPOTS and CATCHING BREATH:
I had “spotting” right on time. That means on the day I was suppose to get my period. But something was amiss, the spots didn’t look “normal”, they were not as heavy but remained light all throughout the week. I started feeling weak and I easily get tired. On the last day of that week, after catching my breath once my clinic duties were over, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I knew it was far fetched knowing that I still had a so called “light” period but there was just something in my gut that was telling me to try it. And true enough, my intuition was right. 2 lines in seconds! I wasn’t sure how to initially feel.
You see, the first time I saw 2 lines on a PT was September of last year and just a month after that we lost the baby. It was because my gestational sac was not coping with the size of the baby. I was told that my gestational sac was 2-3 weeks delayed compared to the baby and ultimately was the reason our baby was suffocated in its temporary home.
I was happy we are pregnant again, yet an ocean of emotion has started to surge right away. It was waves of paranoia, excitement and panic all at the same time. I didn’t want to be happy right away, because of the fear we might just lose it again. But as with all things, faith had pull us through, and I had to have faith for my husband. My husband told me to be strong for the baby, and that if the baby felt that I was too weak to handle this pregnancy, we might just lose him again. He was right.
I finished all my pending appointments in my clinic and was officially put on a STRICT BED REST the 2nd week of May. Then the overrated pregnancy symptoms followed. All of these were absent during my first pregnancy so I wasn’t sure if these were normal. But OH MY, they didn’t tell me that WEIRD was the new NORMAL.
I love food! But instead of shouting to the world how much I ADORE food, my body’s telling me that I ABHOR it. The worst of all the pregnancy symptoms possible (IMO) have happened to me: FOOD AVERSIONS to almost everything edible! The once giddy feeling I feel whenever I smell the combination of garlic and onions sauteeing in a pan was replaced by gag and bouts of vomiting. I couldn’t stand too watching the cooking shows I used to watch regularly as if I can smell too what they are cooking. I had heartburns and indigestion everyday and it was worsen with episodes of lower left abdominal pain probably because of the left ovarian cyst that’s growing along side our baby. I couldn’t eat any processed meat: hotdogs, tocinos, spam, corned beef, sausages and practically anything inside a can were a thing of the past. Anything ingested that not’s necessarily “healthy” was vomited after a few minutes. Its like these foods were suddenly indigestible; which I think was probably my child’s way of telling me that the food was not going to be healthy for the two of us. This lost of appetite was a burden to my husband, he was helpless on what to feed me; and by the end of June, I’ve already lost a total of 6 lbs.
All this time, we decided that I should stay in Narnia, since I wouldn’t be tempted to work. Being away with most of my family and friends; the only way I could “connect” to the outside world was through technology, but suddenly I couldn’t stand some of its gifts. I curb and have headaches when I open the facebook and the internet; I couldn’t even stand the television for a long time; lets just say I hated seeing some personalities that the television offer these days, say…., some of the PBB teens and politicians among others! Oh dear, why do they have to be so obnoxious!!?? I just couldn’t tolerate them. Why??? I have no idea too!
Since I was on a bed rest and I couldn’t stand the TV or the internet, it was VITAL for me to find something to do. I hated being peculiarly vacant but the little things triggered my gag reflex and migraine; and the only thing I found myself comfortable doing during the first trimester was “cross stitching”.
Cy was the one who chose this design, he said it was a symbol of our first baby who we believe could have been a beautiful little girl. The girl’s picking some flowers, her back towards us. It was like our lost baby who we are sure is in a very lovely place that is filled with beautiful flowers. Her face, we may never see ever.
The “cross stitching” were comforting for a while but I soon got tired of it. I needed to find my self worth and during the first several weeks, it was frustrating. The exaggerated symptoms plus bed resting took a toll not only on my physical body but also built an emotional roller-coaster inside of me that affected both me and my husband. I blame it on the lack of sleep come my 2nd and 3rd month when I fervently wish I had the super power to sleep at the toilet. I got tired from running to and fro the comfort room to pee at LEAST 5 times during the wee hours of the morning; and the sleep disturbances were starting to get me crazy.
I originally planned and wanted to exude a blissful calmness all throughout this pregnancy but that seems impossible. For a while, I became a paradox; for there were days that I cringed at my being useless, that I couldn’t even feed my husband a decent meal; and couldn’t help with the chores. But there were days too that I justified myself and claimed that bringing up a baby out into this world is far more harder than all of my complicated dental surgeries combined and therefore I do deserve and need all the rest and attention I can get. =)
During this pregnancy, I cant help but remember my Mother even more. Now, the thought of being a motherless mother to be is starting to really sink in. Everyday I would ask a lot of questions (both consciously and subconsciously), directing it to my mother as if she can hear me. Questions like: “Is everything I am feeling normal?”, “What can I do to lessen my gag?”, “What was it like when it was me inside of you?”, “Am I going to be a good mother?”; etc. Maybe this is the reason, why my dreams, aside from being strange and constantly vivid ever since, had my Mom mostly these short nights. One particular dream was truly unique and special for me. We were both laying in a bed, I was still on a bed rest and she was beside me. I asked her all the questions I wanted to ask and she reassured me that everything is as they should be, that everything will be okay. I woke up very very happy.
As of writing, I am now on my 18th week. Yay! The exaggerated symptoms have now lessened. I take one day at a time and I give my shoulder, err my hard belly a soft tap after a day’s done. Its my way of saying to my child that we’ve both done a good job! =)
I now happily welcome FOOD again back into my life. Good for me, the baby and the husband! =) We are all going to be fed decently. =) I have started to cook again, although the food blogging may still wait for a while. ;-)
I just also welcomed back technology; although I will STILL spend less time to it. I guess this pregnancy is also giving me a chance to reunite with my lost art; I vow to allot time to painting and sketching again.
To all my virtual friends whom I wasn’t able to greet during their birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, etc ., I am sorry for not being able to greet you, but know that even if I don’t communicate via the internet or by phone, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. And to those who have been sending messages; my apologies for replying to them just now.
I am still waiting for my doctor’s order if I can be back to work at my clinic as I also miss working on my patients.
All this time, my husband have been a huge help. And even if I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, he’s willing to let it go and give me the utmost understanding he can give. I am always thankful for having him.
I am also grateful to a lot of people, including family and friends who constantly encourages and guides me throughout this journey. I am feeling a little bit better now, and I’m off the “strict” bed rest (for now)! Double yay! =) The migraine, constant peeing, sleepless nights are still part of my everyday routine, but again, I take it one stride at a time and accepted that its part of the most beautiful thing that is happening now in our lives so I welcome it bravely. I cant really say that the dread of losing another baby has stopped haunting me, but I successfully junk it away when necessary. Negative thoughts should have no space at my mind at this time.
The journey so far may not have been easy, and who knows what’s next? But I am willing to go through it over and over again and sacrifice everything else just to have this blessing. I know we still have a long way to go, we are not even halfway there. But armed with prayers and a huge dose of faith, I know we can make it through this time. =)
So there you go. Please pray with me for a more smooth sailing trek to motherhood, so that I may go back to cooking and sharing more recipes with all of you. Until my next post, hopefully a food post already!
Take care you all!
Happy Cooking! =)